Sometimes, the hardest thing for any parent is to realize that they can’t expect their child’s life to be everything they hoped for.
And when a child’s story involves being LGBTQ, accepting that story and letting go of expectations can be especially hard for parents. Many don’t know how to support their child when they discover this part of their identity.
Dragon Dads was created to help guide fathers of LGBTQ kids and to teach them how to best provide support for their children.
“Like most parents, we had our kids’ lives planned,” says Dave Jensen, a member of Dragon Dads. “But we have found beauty in watching the kids chart their own paths and grow.”
The Beginning of Dragon Dads
In 2014, Brett Davis, Drew Armstrong, and a few other fathers of LGBTQ children had a conversation. After learning about Mama Dragons, a prominent support group for mothers of LGTBQ kids, they decided that they needed to organize a similar support group tailored just for fathers.
“We decided that sometimes dads need support even more,” Davis explains. “We’re pretty rough around the edges. We, a lot of times, have a harder time accepting something like this that’s a little bit different than what we expected.”
After starting a private Facebook group, fathers started joining, asking questions, and sharing experiences.
“We are very careful to vet the group members,” says Armstrong. “The members must be fathers of LGBTQ kids. They must also be willing to have an open mind. It’s okay for members to not understand everything. Without that, there would be no reason to have a group in the first place. But there is absolutely no homophobia, transphobia, or anything like that allowed.”
Armstrong explains, “The idea is that by helping other dads become better fathers, we can do a better job of loving and supporting our own kids.”
Today, the group has grown to more than 1,700 fathers from across the U.S. and around the world.
In addition to supporting and educating each other, Dragon Dads regularly provide service to other LGBTQ organizations. In fact, they do everything from hosting booths at Pride events throughout Utah to serving as marshals for LGBTQ youth events.
The Journey of a Dragon Dad
Every father’s story is going to be different, whether they have an LGBTQ child or not. However, the challenges that Dragon Dads experience are certainly unique to them and can always be made easier with the support of other dads that understand what they are going through.
Armstrong explains that he is extremely fortunate that his son knew from a very young age that he was transgender. Many transgender people struggle throughout their childhood and beyond not knowing why they are different. But with all his experiences with raising his son, Armstrong understands how to support and provide resources to other parents of children experiencing gender dysphoria.
Similarly, Davis explains that his son had a very gender non-conforming childhood. From a very young age, his son was interested in toys, clothes, and other things that are typically associated with girls. One of the pivotal moments, he explains, is when his son didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas.
During this Christmas, Davis and his wife were still uncertain about the best way to raise their son. After receiving their son’s Christmas list, they decided that they would get him gender-neutral toys. On Christmas day, their son came to them and innocently explained that Santa may have not gotten his list.
With tears in their eyes, Davis and his wife returned the gifts and got their son what he initially asked for.
It was after this experience that they came to understand that their son was living his own story, and the best way to support him is to accept his story.
Later on in life, their son confided in them and came out as homosexual. Davis was happy that his son trusted in him enough to share that part of his identity on his own terms.
Dave Jensen has two kids that are LGBTQ. He explains that even though both of his kids are gay, he loves them not because of that, but because they are his kids—period.
The Power of Dad Hugs
Sadly, not all LGBTQ children receive love and support from their families. Some are shamed, ignored, or even kicked out of their homes and disowned.
Dragon Dads are there to support them, too.
Perhaps nowhere is the need for LGBTQ kids to feel unconditional love more obvious than at a Pride event.
Dragon Dads are famous for their free dad hugs, and they are often moved to tears as they hug anyone who wants one.
Dragon Dad member Ben Lesue noted some things he heard while giving hugs at this year’s Utah Pride, including:
“I miss my father.”
“My dad kicked me out.”
“My father hates me.”
“You don’t know how much this means.”
“Dad hugs are the best!”
“This is why hugs are so important,” says Dragon Dad member Rob Reich. “They are dad hugs because you mean it.”
Dragon Dad member Adam Bond shares, “My chest and shoulder muscles were sore from giving hugs, my face hurt from smiling, and my heart was full from all of the love of that day.”
Some Dragon Dads carried clicker counters so they could know just how many hugs they gave at Utah Pride. For Dave Jensen, that number was 707.
The Ultimate Goal
When an LGBTQ child feels safe at home and accepted for who they are, their risk of suicide drops tremendously—and saving precious lives is the ultimate goal of Dragon Dads.
Because of certain religious upbringings and other common social paradigms, it can be hard for dads to understand the best way to make their LGBTQ kid feel safe and supported. This is why it’s extremely helpful to have other dads mentor, guide, and provide suggestions for them.
“I am truly grateful to be apart of this amazing group of dads whose only mission is to spread love and acceptance, says Bond. “I am also truly grateful for Drew Armstrong, who not only gave me sage words of wisdom when my child came out, but who also invited me into this incredible group of men.”
“Every person has a story,” says Armstrong. “One of the best things we can do is to accept their story for what it is. I will never know personally what it is like to be transgender. However, I do know what it is like to be the father of a transgender son.”
He continues, “When people don’t understand something, their first reaction is usually to reject it. It is kind of like a ‘fight or flight’ type of thing. But if people are able to go beyond that and just realize that even though they don’t understand something, they can still accept it, the world would be a much better place. I may not understand everything my son goes through as a transgender person, but I accept him 100 percent for all that he is.”
Jensen emphasizes the importance of expressing love to your kids for who they are—not for how well they meet your expectations.
“I’ve learned that sometimes our kids assume that we love them because they do a certain thing, but that is not the case,” he says. “At the end of the day, whether you are a Dragon Dad or not, the most important thing is to love your kids for who they are.”
To join, donate, or learn more about Dragon Dads, message them through their Facebook group.
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